I'm Back

I regret being out of touch for so long. Poor correspondence is one of my many faults, one that leaves a damaging wake of isolation after a while. To all of my friends and family that I dearly love, I am still here and love you no less.

It has been an amazingly crazy season. We have enjoyed the company of family over the last weekends, celebrated Michael's 4th birthday, entertained more family, will be celebrating Maddie's birthday soon, and endured Matt's busy schedule of one test after another. I can't say that I have worn very well through the weeks. Recently, I rediscoved my greatest limitations and have been suffering under negative feelings. I've been on a collision course where my personal faults and the expectations in life smack against each other.

Feeling overwhelmed and unable to gain lasting perspective on the situation I needed sometime to step back and reflect with the Lord. I requested to stay home from a Sunday visit with dear friends. Matt would take M and M and I would stay with the smallest. Though I would be sad not to visit with friends, I needed this time to recharge for the week ahead. The Lord needed to do business with my heart and He faithfully did so.

I've been living in survival mode. I wasn't being the mommy I needed to be and the effects were becoming evident in my childrens' behaviors. I was in a parenting "crazy-cycle" for those you familiar with the marriage book "Love and Respect." My mode for discipline became reactive instead of patient proactiveness. I was no longer joyful, and I was not doing the fun things that enhance family life and school times. The children responded by getting my attention through negative behaviors. I responded by being harsh. In the end I would be frustrated at the amount of time it was taking to get them to obey the littlest requests. I allowed this frustation to filter into a growing resentment.

I did not even realize that shift in my attitude. All I could focus on was the way my shortcomings were affecting all areas of my life. I took a tally in my head of all the ways I was failing: the house was becoming more and more disorganized, homeschool objectives were not being met, friends and family were becoming frustrated at my lack of attentiveness, I was failing at motherhood, and my negative energy was putting pressure on my husband. So you see the path this negativity was taking. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and not listening to the Lord. I was focusing on "I." I am a failure because....lack of disciple, laziness, a scattered brain, on and on. Not that some of these issues were not the cause of the place where I found myself, but the bigger issue was attitude and perspective.

So as I sat down ready to get true perspective, I grabbed one of my favorite mothering books, "Mission of Motherhood." It's one that I have turned to off and on and highly recommend (thank you Christa for the good find) but confess have yet to finish. Conviction in small doses,please!! The chapter I turned to was on servant motherhood. I knew that it was exactly where the Lord needed to teach me something. It in fact ministered to my deepest need. It was as if this chapter was waiting to be read for this moment. I soaked in the scriptures about Jesus and the last supper and how He ministered as a servant leader. I clearly felt a dying to self yet again. The author went on to write about how she had moments of feeling overwhelmed. During one of those moments she broke down in tears in front of her four children. In response her son said, "Mom, when you are happy and content and easygoing with life, even when it is not all perfect, we feel good. We don't need everything to be perfect; we just want you to be happy. But when you start feeling like a failure and overwhelmed with life, it makes us feel guilty, as though it is our fault and that we haven't done enough. We feel like we have disappointed you." This passage opened in my heart a flood gate of tears. I had been that mother to my children. Instead of showing them how to live victoriously through stressful life situations I showed them how to be mowed over by them.

The chapter continued and I will share one last passage that was uplifting.

"At the same time we mothers need to recognize what a powerful effect our attitude has on our children. Laying down our lives for them can indeed mean giving up, for their sakes, our right to wallow in our negative feelings. And choosing the path of servant leadership certainly means making the effort to respond in faith to our circumstances and our feelings, turning to the Lord for help in maintaining a hopeful attitude. The beauty of such an effort, of course, is that it has the power of lifting us up even as it sustains our children's spirits."

I need to be prepared that I will be called to serve long hours, inconvenient to my agenda and energy level. I needed to be reminded of the high calling of motherhood. A special prayer for all my mommy friends out there. And thank you for inspiring me.